The Confession: If Only (I Want You)

These are my confessions, bold and true. Until the end of time, I'll always want you...

I feel sick in the mornings when I wake up next to you.

I'm haunted by dreams, some surreal, some true...

If only I didn't care so much for you,

My mind would be free of this misery's plea.

If only I ignored your childish gaze,

I wouldn't be stuck in this lustful haze.

I want you, I lust for your heart. I think about you always, to my mind's torment.

If only you weren't innocent, loyal, and true.

I would gladly spend my time hating you.

I have seen you, I have known you, to my heart's content.

I'll be damned if I fall again, for I'll lose all chance to repent. You are an infliction to my being. With this confession, my soul to freeing. No man has known me, and none ever will. I refuse to let you know me, my intricacies, my thoughts. I am no pawn, and understanding me will make me fall. My want for you is just a lustful thought. For you are just diminishing my resolve, for which sin has rought.

The Confession: Battle Of Hearts (My Love, My Plight)

Plight of the fallen... Despite maturing out of the episodes of rejection, my ability to function socially was damaged. My confidence remained low. I had a hard time communicating properly. I was very bad with words. To the contrary, I was passionate in my feelings. I fell in love. The first man I ever loved never knew how I really felt about him. Back then, he was my motivation for changing. I worked on building myself up just to have the courage to talk to him. To be honest, if it weren't for my obsession with him, I would have remained in my shell. Now that I think about, he wasn't anything special. He was a chubby emo kid like me. Not very verbal. Not even poetic. He was a quiet boy. He kept to himself, but I saw something in him. Something that I wanted to possess. Something that threw me into an obsession. He had a dark aura surrounding him. Same breed as me. When my feelings were developing for him, I was in denial. I didn't want to admit that someone could have an emotional hold over me. I hated the idea of giving my heart, my soul, up to a man. It took me two years to finally accept that I had fallen. Every time I was near him I would melt. I couldn't give him eye contact, let alone shake his hand. When I finally got the courage to talk to him, he rejected me. I didn't get the chance to reveal my strong feelings for him. I didn't get the chance to pour my heart out. Even so, I wasn't terribly hurt because I expected it. I didn't regret the situation, because I gained more confidence than what was normal. Though my feelings were slightly hurt, the pain didn't last long. I smoothly moved on.

The Confession: Battle Of Hearts (Triangled Fate)

The fated three... High school afforded me a new life, a new beginning. The pain I suffered could finally fade away. I acquired new friends, and new enemies... By this time, I was mature enough to handle tough feelings. Every high school society is divided into sections; groups of people who have commonalities, shares the same feathers. I, like all the other times, remained featherless. I did acquire two people who were nobility amongst their own groups. A boy and a girl. He was a leader amongst the gamer crowd, which I longed to be apart of. She was a socialite, a high school aristocrat who had the power to provide resources for my cause. I was in the middle of their short lived alliance. A series of unfortunate events caused our triangle to breakdown. He was in love with her and he used me to get to her. She refused his love and he blamed me for it. She found out I was helping him and lost her trust in me. He believed I sabotaged his plans. She withdrew her support. In his anger, he exiled me, making sure I was shunned by the majority of my peers. But this event wasn't as severe as before. The boy also lost some of his followers, due to major groups reorganizing their structures. The lost of support from my peers afforded me the opportunity to form new alliances with students of higher or lower grade levels. By the time I was a senior, the majority of my associates were freshman and sophomores. This youthful crowd accepted me more readily and supported my rise to power. As for the other two, they excelled in within their own groups, with the gamer crowd becoming notorious... A crowd I eventually joined in my later years. This formed a direct opposition to the social elitists. What an interesting change of fates.

The Confession: Battle Of Wills (My Mind, My World)

The secrets of the mind are the secrets of the universe. In my preteen and early teen years, I greatly suffered from the mental and emotional stress that I had to endure on a daily bases. I developed abnormal habits. These habits made things worse in my life. I wasn't all there during that time. Of course I didn't realize the magnitude of the problems I had until I was older. When I did realize what was happening to me, I remained in denial for a time. I didn't know of a way to release my stress other than going into my own world. My mind was my sanctuary.

The Confession: Battle Of Wills (Blood Curse)

"After the blood come the boys. Like sniffing dogs, grinning and slobbering and trying to find out what that smell is... What that smell is..." Receiving the blood curse wad a very pivotal moment in my life. Apart from my horrifying elementary expirence, this moment in life was an intense trial of wills. My will to focus and my will to live. It is said in some cultures that after a girl receives her curse, she becomes a woman. She is granted with fertility and a new mentality, eventually losing her childlike innocence. For me, I was changed completely. With the blood comes the want. A feeling that redefined my very being. I was twelve when I was cursed. This was the beginning of the middle school era of terror. I was cursed with desire and feelings I couldn't explain. I was lost in my ignorance. I couldn't understand the changes. I was cursed with intense sexual desire, which I shunned and accepted only as a manifestation of my darker nature. I was cursed with a lust for power. This time period changed my previous mentality and forced me into a new era. I no longer saw females as the cause of my problems. Males were. Males were the driving force of female ambition. They were the motivation, the engines that drove the girls to do what they did. Males were the reason why girls turned on each other. And now, it were the males that tormented me.

The Confession: Battle Of Wills (Sins of the Father)

"The sins of the father are the sins of the son." I am no son, but I am my father's spawn. Torn between two worlds, light and darkness, good and evil. My father was none other than a sithlord, who wished to turn his child into fellow sith. My mother was a jedi, innocent of the manifestations of evil. She raised me to be a jedi like her, but I feel like I am failing her. I can feel the dark nature that flows in my blood boiling out of my skin. The dark deeds of the father: Lust, Untamed Desire, Obsession with Power and Wrath are manifest within me.

The Confession: Elementary Beginnings (The Brutal Queen)

Reign of terror. I was terrorized for the remainder of my elementary school days by Lashara, and the "queens of old". Her very name brings a chilling to my bones. She is predominately responsible for my social regression and my former complete distrust of females. Lashara was a whore, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a backstabber, and the queen of chaos. She was cruel, making sure I was as uncomfortable as humanly possible... She was untrustworthy at all times, even betraying her own followers (friends). She personally hated me because I was nice. She wanted to fight me, but I never gave her the chance. So, she played mind games with me. I hated this girl with a passion, though I never showed it. Because of this queen, I was not allowed personal freedom in school, (Lunch room, hallways, and class room). She was responsible for the spreading of rumors throughout the school that were about me. People knew me only through her, what they perceived of me. Though I hated her I had to hide my feeling for my own protection. I knew she had the power to hurt me. She had power over many people. She controlled several packs of boys within the school (her army) her manpower... After her reign ended, there came another no name queen. But none were as fierce and evil as Lashara. For this, I will remember her forever.

The Confession: Elementary Beginnings (Girls:Terror's Reign)

The never ending nightmare of lost causes. Twelve years ago I was at the battlefront of anti-feminism. I hated the concept of feminism and females. True, at that time I had many misconceptions. But that didn't stop me from looking down on what I thought was "mankind's misery plea"... In those days, girls were the reason for all my problems. I was a girl but subconsciously I didn't want to admit it. Girls seemed to be agents of chaos. They controlled the social order and structure of elementary school. They traveled in packs like ravenous wolves. They pawned boys. They pawned teachers. If you weren't in a pack, you were outcasted from elementary school society. When I was seven years old, I was outcasted completely. Several girls tried to get me to join their pack, but I refused them. I didn't want to get involved in any rivalries, lest I get beat up by enemy packs. For some time I exhibited machismo behavior and formed alliances with several boys. All of them betrayed me, at the will of the girls. This was the beginning of my loner days. Elementary school was the hardest for me because I was young and my mind, body, and attitudes were still developing. I needed to place the blame for all my pain on something, so I chose the females. They did the most damage to me, psychologically. I was beaten and slapped around by boys, but the girls got to my soul. They hated me because I refused to conform to their whorish and ignorant ideologies. I refused to be like them. I on the contrary was a good girl. I was innocent and displayed my innocence. I was a serious and diverse student. I was confident. They came at me with a vengeance. I was seven years old and in second grade when I received their ultimate punishment. A group of girls decided I was too innocent and happy to be around so they came up with an elaborate plot to darken my nature. "Sex is a powerful weapon." In those innocent days before second grade, I had known nothing of sexuality or the powerfully dark side of sexual intent. The whores decided I needed a lesson to humble my good spirits. First they drilled my mind with filth, force feeding the laws of sin. They brutalized my mind. Next they assaulted my body. Sexually overtoned physical attacks. All of this left deep emotional scars. At a point in their attacks, I broke down. My mind was never the same. By third grade, I lost all boldness. I still stayed away from all crowds. I didn't talk to anyone much. I started to display a mousy and shy behavior. No more machismo. No more innocence. No more confidence. My mind was ruined and became darker. I found it hard to think positively. I had no place in that world, so I created my own. This was the beginning of my psychosis. No boy or girl was close to me. I remained a friendless loner for the next six years after.

The Confession: Introduction

This new series of posts are a compilation of the dark dreams, thoughts, and life experiences that haunt the mind. Subconscious demons. This is an emotional confession of the heart. For the true condition of the heart, no one knows, except for the beholder. The purpose of this series is to reveal the true nature of my given reality. These posts will come in the form of poems, short stories, excerpts of personal expirence or outbursts of random thought, which could all be a page long or one sentence short. If this series doesn't make sense, then I have done my job well...

Brigandy On The World: Chapter 2 (Part 1)

The road was pitching black. I saw nothing as I looked out the window, not even the moon. The only light on the road was the car lights. I kept awake and watched Clark as he drove, showing little expression. “I wonder what time it is.” I said to Clark. He pulled out a pocket watch from his jacket pocket and handed it to me. The darkness was hindering my sight so I struggled to see the watch hands. Clark noticed. “It’s around two am. That was the time it was when we took off.”

“Thank you…” I shyly replied. As we drove I become colder even with my coat on. I reached in the back seat for a blanket. I unfolded and placed the blanket over my shoulders and knees. Clark seemed to be unaffected by the weather. “I don’t understand why it’s so cold in the summer. It feels like the weather we winter past. This makes no sense!” I said with a shutter. “This makes perfect sense, if you think about it… Rosaline.” Clark took his eyes off the road and intently looked up at sky. “There is no moon my dear. No stars... There was a massive explosion not far from here, probably in range of 10 square miles. The dust and ash from the explosion filled the air and blocked out our portion of the sun since this afternoon. It’s going to get even colder tomorrow. It will stay this way until the sky clears up.”

I found myself opening my eyes to gloomy light. I must have fallen asleep. Clark was still driving. I looked at the pocket watch that I was tightly holding. It read eight fifteen am. “Seven hours past? Have you been driving all this time?” I ask concerned. Clark did not answer me. He kept his firm gaze on the road. “Where are we headed?” I softly asked. “We are headed for Maschuten, to find my wife. If she survived she will definitely be there.”

Maschuten was a small village in the middle of the country woods. It was a place of retreat and quiet life. A place where scandals were conceived and hidden. A place of refreshment in nature. Many of the aristocratic wealthy construct villas around or in Maschuten and its surrounding woods. “I have heard many rumors of this place. But I have never been.” I said out loud. “Ha, indeed the servants do chat amongst themselves of the many secrets Maschuten holds…” Clark said cynically. “Tell me something you servants speak of regarding this place.”

I couldn’t really bring myself to tell him anything, for everything was scandalous! “Well, I don’t really know anything…” I lied.

“Come now Rosaline! I know some things too. I just want to know what you know.”

“Where should I start?” I asked shyly. “Tell me what you heard last summer.” Clark demanded. That was what I dreaded. Those summer rumors are the most vicious to one’s reputation. They spread like wild fire amongst the servant winds. In particular, it was said that the late Lord Haddinger, Clark’s father, committed a scandal in Maschuten Woods. This was set before Clark was born. Lord Haddinger was said to have had a mistress, a Spanish countess that he was in love with. It was said that he built the Haddinger villa just for this woman, as a private get away. It is also said that this woman returned to Spain, carrying his child. Rumors of this sort can damage an entire family reputation. Servants, who discussed such things, whether true or not, would be severely punished.

Unfortunately for me, that was all I could think of. I could not think of any rumors prior or after that I had heard. There was a long silence as I tried to think of something to say. Then Clark turned to me. “That summer, the main rumor was that that I have an older Spanish half-brother. I’m sure that’s what you were hesitant to say. It’s alright…” I was frozen. I didn’t know what else to say. Finally I grasped the courage to say something. “I’m sorry. Know that I never partake in such gossip, even though I can’t help hearing…” Even still, I wondered if such a thing were true, although I would never ask.

Brigandy On The World: Chapter 1 (Part 2)

As we entered the mansion, I felt a cold breeze coming from upstairs. As I walked up the grand staircase, I noticed I was crunching down on shattered glass. All of the huge glass windows surrounding the staircase were blown out. The Explosion… But even so, that still didn’t account for this unnaturally cold night. It was almost freezing upstairs. I headed for the east wing where I knew the madam held her knit cotton blankets. There was a room at the end of the main hallway that I never been inside of. It was the master‘s bedroom. I never had the duty of cleaning inside. For some reason I was especially curious to see inside now, lest I never return. On the side of the door was an oil lamp, which I lit. I held the lamp in my right hand and opened to door with my left. It smoothly opened. As I walked in I felt a warm breeze. The windows in here were intact. The room was wide and spacious. The master’s bed sheets were red with frilly edges, most likely the madam’s touch. I looked over at the luxuriant breakfront on the side of the room, which housed the madam’s personal items. Most of her jewelry and hair brushes remained. I opened the room’s closet and found three blankets placed at the top. As I was walking out of the room something caught my eye. There was a small envelope placed on the end of the bed. I picked it up and realized it was sealed. It was addressed to Clark, by the madam’s handwriting. She must have written this right before she left… I quickly placed the envelope in my blouse and carried the blankets out of the room. Clark started to call for me downstairs.

“I got all the supplies I think we will need. We might encounter some bloody folks so I packed extra bandages. Let’s see what food we can get out of the kitchen.”

As Clark was walking ahead of me I noticed he changed out of his bloody clothes. When we got to the kitchen, Clark got a big cardboard box and started filling it with anything he found. I picked up a white sack and filled it with the fruit on the tables, which included peaches, plums, apples, and pears. I saw Clark fill his box with the newly salted meats that were prepared the other day. Once we were done packing, we headed to the south gate of the mansion, where Clark had his truck ready. Before we went outside, Clark turned to me.

“You ought to change your clothes. Wear something fresh and warm. The temperature will drop even colder. The closet in my bedroom has some of the madam’s petticoats and coats inside. Hurry and pick something out of there then come back.” I was a little uneasy to wear the madam’s nice clothes.

“Sir, are you sure I should do that?”

“Don’t be so concerned. We are about to go on a long journey. You have no need to keep your maid’s clothes on. What did I tell you before? You aren’t serving anyone. You will need to travel comfortably.”

At that I placed my sack on the floor and ran back up to the master’s room. I picked out modest looking black petticoat, with no fanciness or frills. A bonnet was attached so I wore it. I also picked out a black coat to match. I remembered the envelope and placed it inside the coat pocket. When Clark saw me I could tell he was slightly disappointed. “Funeral much?” he said with a heckle. I picked my sack up and walked with him to the truck. He placed his box along with the sack in the back. We got in the car and headed the same direction as the madam had left earlier.