The Challenge: Last Day Of Prep

I’ve started a semi-structured routine and used this day to test out my changed diet, which went pretty well. School starts tomorrow, and work starts later on, but I have a planned out schedule. Today I went to the gym and walked for 30min, which will be increased to as hour as time goes by. I started doing some abdominal workouts, which I will alternate with arm building every other day. I am keenly interesting in working my core muscles, due to a bet I made earlier today with a friend. I challenged him to a contest, in which whoever has a more dominate 6-pack formation by December of this year wins…

I’m going hard!!!

The Challenge: This Day Is Sweet (Prep Day 3)

Continuing where I left off earlier… So me and bunny boy seem to have made up nicely. The thing is, he really has nothing more to say on the subject of breaking up. I think he’s avoiding that conversation. I will forget it for his sake. On a sweet note, I baked a cake to celebrate surviving the hurricane. A nice chocolate cake with vanilla cream icing. Oh boy…

As you could guess, I ate 2 slices of that moist, rich cake and drank a glass of cold milk on the side. But at least I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself or guilty about anything. I ate the cake purely out of loving myself and wanting to treat such love… I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen often. I’m looking forward to the last prep day, which is tomorrow! Here is a fresh pic of my cake. Enjoy. :)

Song Of The Day: Framing Hanley (The Promise)

I'll remember the promise you made, and I'll keep on fighting for you...

The Challenge: Survived A Hard Night (Prep Day 3)

What did I survive? Other than the impending chaotic disaster of hurricane Irene and her tornado brethren, I gave in to a heavy load of homemade cooking (lemon jerked chicken with cut potatoes, sweet potatoes with cinnamon, and fresh and chunky pico de gallo), all eaten at 1:33am... So the story goes like this: I had intended with all earnestness to break off a relationship that I felt would be doomed in the future. I lacked faith for the first time in my life. I attempted a txt breakup (bad idea) and came on pretty strong until he tried to call me... And that's when I broke down in my resolve. Just hearing his voice made tears come to my eyes (men can do that to you). I felt horrible, so horrible that I couldn't justify my actions. He probably was right in suggesting I was rash and impulsive. I don't know how to fix the situation now.

It’s funny how I went on a trip after that episode last night. After eating such a late meal I started to see swirls and pocadots of colors. I went online to check his blog and everything was gone. Just a blank page that had the word silent in it and I went on another trip, Japanese horror style. At the end of that I had a pretty strange dream ... It was in the future and I was doing some ecology research on these huge tortoises that could levitate and ate strange seaweed. Then I went to a banquet dinner with some of my colleagues and we talked more on the environment and invasive species that affected the tortoise’s habitat. Afterward someone gave me a picture album from 3 years ago and I looked beautiful, rather skinny too. As in this future I appeared to gain weight and have stress wrinkles as I buried myself in my job. Then I woke up, feeling like the dream was overly intellectual. The conversations were so logical and scientific that it scared me. I hope I dream about studying for bio exams like this in the future...

After waking up I immediately went to the kitchen and prepared me a heavy, but proportional meal of leftovers, except I substituted rice and beans for the sweet potatoes. I once again checked his blog and still no sign of life. Things got worse when he said everything was fine. He said his posts were still there, which made me realize I had been blocked not by him, but by karma. After what I had thought and done, I did not deserve to read his thoughts or share in his life. The perfect punishment.

Emo Swagger: Framing Hanley (Photographs & Gasoline)

The Challenge: Song Of The Day T_T

The Challenge: I Hate To Prove People Right

Last I referenced about relationships, I wasn’t in one. This time is different, which is why the subject is so fragile. Where to begin? First, I consider myself loving. Far too loving. Once I find a subject of attraction and admiration I tend to go overboard and give my heart completely. That’s where many of my relationship problems originate. A big no no for the future… Because I care so much about the person I love, I forget about what it was I originally wanted. This brings me to my point of proving people wrong. Not too long ago there was a statement from someone of importance that said I wouldn’t be with the person I’m with now because our destinies conflict. It did seem we had different paths in life. Our very personalities clashed, though I tried hard to hide it from him. Now, as illogical as it was, I involved my pride into the matter and was determined to prove that person wrong. I wanted to prove that this relationship could work no matter what, as long as there was love… Very fairytale like indeed.

The problem was, I was looking at love one dimensionally. Love has multiple levels, and those levels can be categorized. Now I do believe I pushed this love thing a bit farther than it was meant to go. Friendship is the most basic form of how love is expressed between two people. Then there are beyond friendship levels. I pushed and kept pushing for more and in the end settled for something I would have previously felt was unsatisfactory. So here and now I am slowly pushing myself out of denial. I was never meant to be more than friends with the person I gave my heart to. That is why I’ve been feeling incomplete. And this is something he can’t satisfy, because he was never meant to do so. We were meant to be kindred spirits, not lovers. He is my brother, not my boyfriend. So what to do now? This challenge is obviously going to include phasing out of my previous life. I guess that means striving for a let’s just be friends mentality.

I had dreams before I got into this mess and an unmatchable pride. Though many were quite childish, my pride said I had the potential to do it. I wanted to achieve my maximum physical beauty limit by 21. I wanted to move to South Korea and become a rouge biologist and marry the man of my dreams, Choi Seung-hyun aka T.O.P. I wanted to have kids and travel Asia with them to places like Thailand, Vietnam, and Indonesia. I wanted to be a writer on the side, even write music for my husband. I wanted to save an unknown life, just for the peace of it. I wanted be a perfect match maker with 100% success rates, and see my friend married to the emo of her dreams.

Though marrying T.O.P is a little over reality, I still have a chance to fulfill some other things, like living life the way I want to. I guess this is a start.

Man of my dreams ^_^

The Challenge: Prep Day 2

So the finalized date of the challenge is set for September 1st. The days leading up are preparation for my 90 day life change. As I prepare for this day I am becoming self-aware of many things. Changing the slightest habits has opened my mind to a flood of emotions, some confusing and unsettling. This is really going to be an emotional challenge as well as a physical one.

I don’t know where to start in describing how I feel. That’s always been a problem for me. It’s easier to describe how others feel when placed in my situation. But since this is completely about me, I don’t have a choice but to describe me. To sum it up, I don’t like to prove people right. I have had many assumptions and theories about me, which for most I have proven wrong. Now, I have hit an awe inspiring dilemma…

This is a life style change; Body, Mind, and Spirit. Why is this becoming an issue? Because I am taking this challenge primarily to get something I want: a desired result. So as I begin to prepare for this, I am flooded with thoughts of things I want. Unfortunately, I am not on the right path of achieving what I want, but on things related to what I want. My love life for instance, is at a point of regret and denial. I have been denying that it is at a point that I do not want. I have regrets about not doing things differently in the beginning, not thinking things through. I feel like I initiated too much, only to have a shadow of a desired result. But since this section is dedicated to body change, rather than relationship, I’ll save the later for another time.

So what have I been eating to prepare for my day of glory? Day one of prep I ate 4 times in that day. Breakfast, followed by lunch, then snack, then dinner. Today was a late brunch and side snack. I think I will go into detail about the actual foods I consume when the challenge begins.